Its your company's Annual Function Party today.
There is this obnoxiously festive mood in the office.
Everybody is busy doing everything other than work - which is good.
But the "everything other than work" translates into "having fun" - which is bad - IF you are an unenthusiastic introvert who is yet to find the meaning of "having fun" in your "BailGaadi Concise Dictionary of Everyday Livelihood Idioms and Phrases"
If you are such an unenthusiastic Introvert, like me, then this Guide is for you.
Lets start by taking the very wise advice the Hitchhiker's Guide to Galaxy (another very useful guide just like this one) has to offer - "DON'T PANIC!"
Beware!
The fun-bug is active around you.
And it is highly contagious.
Everyone is having fun. Maybe your party has a theme - like hat-theme or mask theme. So most of the people are busy making a hat or a mask.
You have 2 choices:
1> Either ignore this madness around you.
2> Or just let go of your rationality and go bananas with everyone else.
The first choice is naturally a good one! But it has one little drawback. The more you try to ignore the obvious, the more obvious that obvious becomes. The obvious presence of all the fun activity around you will never grant you the peace you so desire.
So here's what the UI (Unenthusiastic Introvert) Guide suggests: Go with the flow. Let the fun-bug take over your mind - no more conflicts, no more decisions - and things will become easy.
Unmasking the fine art of making a mask...
So you have finally decided to give in to the impulse. And you are now busy making something - for example, say, a mask...
There are card papers everywhere. And Gum. And stapler. And colors and crayons and brushes, scissors, cutters, ribbons, crazy enthusiastic artists and fun-lovers. You name it, its there, strewn around you. Total chaos and disarray. Its the neat-freak's worst nightmare come true. Give the neat-freak in you a break for a while, and dive in.
So you are about to make a mask. But you have no idea where to start. Wouldn't it have been useful if you had put in more efforts in the Crafts projects during school, instead of taking help of Mom / Dad / siblings / poor, gullible, helpful, "bakra" friend???
No Problem. Be innovative. Let your core skills guide you. Are you a techie? Search on Google. Download a Black and White image of a nice mask. And simply Print it. After all it is your moral duty to make good use of the office printer.
Or you want your own custom-made mask? Then find a poor, gullible, helpful Bakra colleague to draw one for you. A colleague in need is a true Bakra indeed.
Now you have a mask outline ready. Use the scissors and cutters and give it a shape. If you cut it wrongly, don't worry. just tear out a little part. Nowadays, broken masks are quite as fashionable and common as broken hearts.
Now go give yourself an Art-Attack. Use all the colours, crayons and sketch-pens at your disposal. You did not pay for them, some poor, gullible, helpful colleague did. So make the most of them.
And if you are not at all good at Art, then Education is there to help you out. (If this line does not make sense to you dear reader, then just ignore... Don't mind. Its not meant for you. Only the guy who inspired me to write this will understand what I mean)
Playing your part.
Its past afternoon, and you are finally there at the Party.
The stage is set.
The chairs are arranged.
All you have to do is go at the back and occupy the last row with your colleagues. But unfortunately, not all your colleagues were back-benchers like you in school? Tough luck. But no problem. Just move a little to the front and occupy some seats in the middle. But NEVER in the very front - because the audience at the back may find the balding dome of your head more entertaining than the pandemonium happening on the stage.
According to The Unenthusiastic Introvert's Guide to attending an Office Party, there are only 2 ways to enjoy any office event:
1> Participate in the event. Go perform something on the stage.
Or...
2> Or you will be forced to bear with other peoples' performances and wonder when they will start serving the booze.
Hmmm... Being the Unenthusiastic Introvert that you are, you did not participate in any event? No problem.
Being an Audience can be fun too. Just follow the few pointers mentioned below and you should do just fine:
(a) Remember, the seat you are sitting on is keeping you comfortable. So it is your moral duty to keep it warm in the Air Conditioned auditorium (yes, yes, the same way you donate the warmth of your tush to your office chair). That fun activity should keep you occupied most of the time.
(b) Be enthusiastic. Appreciate the performance of others. At least they have the guts to stand up there on the stage and knowingly make a total ass of themselves. Do you? Then Don't criticize. Do your bit. Clap. Cheer. Shout "once more" (especially for a particularly boring and uninspired performance)
(c) Play the Musical Chair, by getting up every now and then to go relieve yourself or have some water. By the time you are back, somebody else has probably occupied your seat. So hunt for another one. That's how you play the musical chair...
(d) Did you forget you made a mask? Use it. Wear it. Its extremely useful. Wearing it will help you look up all those beautiful ladies in the party, or that special dream-girl of yours, without anyone catching you in the act. It will also hide the fact that you dozed off during a particularly interesting performance.
(e) Be one with nature. Feel the thirst of the Rainbird / Skylark. Feel how it waits for the rains, in the same way you await the opening of the cocktail counter.
And the award goes to...
Its an office event. So there is bound to be speeches (zzzzz), presentations about how well the company is doing (yawnnn...) and the award ceremony of course (you call it a party, but the company calls it a forum - where they can appreciate those poor souls who are gullible enough to let the company milk them of their efforts and talents and get away with just an appreciation).
If you get an award, convince yourself that you are NOT the gullible soul described above, and bask in the limelight. Such happy coincidences don't happen often.
If you don't get an award, keep your ears open and listen to your neighbours criticize the one who got the award and the unfairness of the company's selection criteria. Join in with your own valuable snide remarks.
What you have been waiting for...
Finally that moment arrives. The announcer says that the performances are now over and you can all please move to the dining area and enjoy the dinner.
If your idea of "enjoy the dinner" involves finding the Cocktail bar counter and instantly starting a torrid love affair with a glass of alcoholic beverage, then you will find that most other guys have the same line of thought as you. For they are all instantly drawn to the counter like moths suicidally attracted to the camp fire.
Once you have struggled through the crowd and laid claim over your own private ticket to the wonderland, carry that "ticket" to a dark corner and enjoy the trip...
So the most busy and crowded counter is the Cocktail counter. All the rest of the counters are indiscriminately ignored. That's a good thing if you don't drink. Go have something to eat. Start with the starters. And if you plan to dance, then you might as well end with the starters. For heavy food does not follow the laws of gravity when you are dancing. It will just try to get away from you the same way it went in.
D.I.D.: Dance Idiot Dance
While the food counters are being opened, the audi is being cleared. The DJ is readying his instruments. Soon the speakers are booming with the drum beats of some dance number. If you enjoy dancing, go have a blast.
Weird thing, this modern music. When played very loudly in closed spaces, it has 2 effects on you:
1> It makes you go temporarily deaf. It makes your heart go thump-thump as if its trying to escape its life-long imprisonment.
2> It makes the various parts of your body twitch and move, without you ordering them to.
What you CAN do about it is spare your body and your ears the acoustic torture and get out of the cacophony. Go find one of your drunken friends and listen to him speak sensibly for the first time in your life.
What you SHOULD do about it is just get on the floor and dance!
No! Really! I mean it. You may not have the rhythm and the grace. It does not matter. Just stand there in one corner and have a look. See that fellow doing actions like a snake? Or that other one having an apoplectic seizure? Or that group of guys doing some ancient ritualistic steps around an imaginary bonfire? Or those bunch of folks trying to imitate a train? No, they are not going crazy. They all are actually dancing.
Loud music has magic. If you let go and let the music guide you, it will make your hands move, your feet shuffle, your head sway, your body go wild. That's the theory of Dancing in general. For dancing in a party, the truth is a bit different.
An expert who is well-versed with the fine art of party dancing has this to say about it: "Dancing in a party is the art of making uncoordinated body movements appear coordinated and graceful. It is a martial art where you constantly try to defend yourself from getting hit by your neighbours from all 5 sides (top being the 5th side). It is a very competitive game where you save your toes from being trodden upon, all the while trying to step onto other people's toes."
So just let go of your inhibitions and go start dancing. "Start Dancing"? How do you do that? Here are a few pointers the Guide has to offer to the Dance-ignorant Unenthusiastic Introvert:
1> Don't know any dance steps? No problem. Keep it simple. Use the everyday gestures. For example - remember your school-time PT exercises? Just do one of those. "One, two, three, One...". Its not much different from all the dance steps so famous nowadays.
2> Try to keep away from others. Dance makes you perspire. Perspiration can stink. And we don't want anyone around you falling unconscious on account of suffocating sweat-smell.
3> Always be alert. A party dance floor is like 100+ billiard balls moving this way and that on a single billiard board. You are one of them. We don't want this ball to go rolling down a hole.
4> Save your toes. Keep a lookout for your neighbouring feet. Who knows which one is aimed at your toes?
5> Don't laugh at the dance of others. Others are probably doing the same for you.
6> Stop staring. Pull back that involuntarily dropped jaw. Ok. She looks good. But you are dancing, not sight-seeing.
7> Post-party, never ever look at photos or videos of your dance. This could lead to massive inferiority complex and heavy shame.
8> The next day, if you wonder why your joints are paining and your muscles are cramping so much? Don't wonder. It means that yesterday you danced. And you danced to your fullest...
Game over...
The party is just about over. The food counters are closing. So is the cocktail counter (unfortunately for some).
Whatever else you did at the party is immaterial. At this moment, the only thing that matters is how much you drank.
Are you sober enough? Then you have great responsibility on your shoulders. To ensure that all your colleagues and friends who are not sober enough, reach home safely. You need to escort them outside and bundle them into the Rick. Or wait patiently and listen them out until they are ready to leave. Or worry whether the one you sent packing in the rick, reached home safely? Or did he go into the neighbour's house? Or try to find the missing friend who disappeared without a trace (and it later turns out he has already gone home.)
Are you only slightly drunk? Don't be. There are problems with not bring fully drunk. For instance, you have got a nice buzz. But you are not fully drunk yet. Someone asks you the way to the Gents Toilet. You guide him: "Go straight out the door. Turn left. And then go right." After a few seconds, it dawns on your muddled head, that you should have said, go left, instead of right. Because, the gents toilet is on the left. On the right hand side is the ladies toilet! Now you are so worried for the unknown stranger, that all the nice buzz you were feeling quickly wears off. Such a waste.
Here's what The UI Guide suggests: Get drunk. Fully Drunk. As drunk as Captain Haddock. When you are drunk, you are automatically absolved of all your responsibilities and worries. Now you are someone else's responsibility. Let them worry about you. Also, if anyone asks you for directions to the toilet, you will confidently guide him to the kitchen - and not even know it to feel bad about it later...
And a final piece of advice from the Guide:
When finally you are on your way home, if your writer friend suggests you write a blog post about this, you don't doubt his judgement. You just go ahead and write it. Like this...
(Thanks for this post goes to my friend Shush, who saw a possibility of a blog post based on this experience of ours, where I did not see one. He is the one who put the germ of the idea for this blog in my head. So if you did not like this blog - please blame him :-P)
