Famous Recipes: How to cook a Daily Soap Opera

Ingredients:

• Good looking actors - with poor acting skills
• A very short story based on a very poorly-developed idea
• Expert makeup artist
• Stuntman turned cameraman
• A good fashion designer - to design fancy clothes for all actors to wear onscreen
• A really big house with lot of rooms
• A really big family
• and lots and lots of glycerine.

Preparation:

1. Take some sos - i.e. same-old-story. Beat and knead the dough of your story so much that it becomes as soft and stretchable as chewing-gum. This will ensure that you can stretch the programme as much as you like.
2. Add to it a bunch of assorted good, evil and neutral characters. Stir them well through out the story.
3. Use an expert makeup artist to garnish your charaters with drop dead good looks.
4. With the help of a good fashion designer, add appropriate dressing for your characters. The dressing should be in accordance with latest fashion for the main characters, and it should be fancy-dress-style traditional dressing for the other side characters ("fancy-dress-like" because nobody really dresses up that traditionally in real life now-a-days).
5. Stick the characters together on grill-sticks to make them a part of a really big family. Encase them within the wrapping of an impossibly big house with lots of rooms.
6. Put some tadka of jealousy, passion and wealth to the overall preparation.
7. Add lots of masala. The more the masala, the better.
8. Add ample quantities of glycerin to moisten each episode and make it nicely mushy.
9. Garnish your preparation with a huge dollop of the element of surprise.
10. Sprinkle some crystals of comedy if required.
11. Add salt of realism to taste.
12. Keep the preparation to boil over the heat of Love, hate, tragedy and family values.
13. Allow the preparation to simmer for a while over advertisements.
14. Decorate your dish with skilled camera-craftsmanship (example zooming in on actor's faces, panning the camera across an actor's face from all possible directions, etc.)
15. Now chop up the story base thus formed in really small pieces. Call each such piece an episode.
16. Serve each episode over TV channel during dinner time between generous helpings of Advertisements.

Best serves: All the women-folk in the family, and some men-folk too...

Appendix A: How to select your characters.
Remember your characters should always be in black and white. Either they should be doodh-se-dhule good or daal-se-kaale bad. Any real-life characters with unique shades of grey won't do.

Your daily soap should contain the following essential characters:
1> The central character - around whom the entire story revolves. This should mandatorily be a woman. She should be drop-dead-georgeous. If she is not, use the skills of your expert makup artist. Acting skills should not exceed the limit of 2.5 out of 10. She should appear atleast once in every episode (this is mandatory especially if the programme is named after her).
2> The hero - who is obviously in love with the central charater and vice-versa (somewhere down the line). Hero should not have - repeat - should NOT have ANY acting skills. Hero should be - this is very important - SHOULD be very handsome and good looking.
3> A Saas - According to the original recipe, saas was a necessary ingerdient. But if your story demands an absence of saas, then ensure that you mention it clearly in the title of the programme - eg. saas bina sasural.
4> A villian - any gender will do. But ladies preferred over men (the target audience - both men and women - will identify with this). Unlike real-life, Villian should be very devious-minded and evil to the core.
5> Relatives - Relatives are genenrally supposed to be neutral. They may bend towards or against the central character's good side depending on the mood of the director on that day.

Donot hesitate to introduce new characters into your story every now and then, other-wise your story will soon come to an end.. Remember, the most important criteria for a successful and famouns soap opera is how much longer it can run with more episodes and more seasons, than the original story would have ever allowed.

Appendix B: The element of Surprise: Surprisingly Garnishing :-P ...
The element of Surprise: Sprinkle some surprise in every episode. The surprise need not be surprising, just a same old twist in the same old tale will do. Take the help of Fate and God for this purpose.

Fate: Fate will play an important role in every episode. Use fate to ensure that something bad will happen to the central character or her side-kicks (like her lover / husband / close family) in every episode.

God / Goddess: Take God's help whenever required in the story. Unlike real-life, wherever fate creates problems for the central character, then God will always come to their rescue.

Appendix C: The Tragedy of Comedy
How to make your audience laugh: During a (supposedly) comic sequence, just add background laughter sound. This will let the audience know that this part was supposed to be a funny and that they are supposed to laugh. Now-a-days one need not have genuinely witty dialogs or originally comic situations to make people laugh. A much-re-used old joke, a genuine PJ or a piece of ridiculously over-done acting is sufficient to make now-a-days-audience laugh...

Appendix D: The Don'ts
Always avoid any real-life situation or character-sketches. If it was supposed to show real-life drama, then your programme would have been a documentary, not a daily soap opera. Practical and plausible situations have no place in a soap opera - in the same way as they have no place in the minds of story writers, directors as well as the target audience who make such programmes a hit and a success.

Chicken Run

This happened a few weeks back.
It was a Sunday.
I was at the chicken shop.
It was a bit crowded and I was awaiting my turn to select a hen.
The person in front of me had selected his hen. The hen-picker, Mr Mulla, weighed it and proceeded to tag it with a number. The number on the small plastic token was not clearly printed. He showed it to the customer and asked "what is this? Is it 39?". The customer looked at the token closely. I, being my usual inquisitive self, peeked over the customer's shoulder to look at the number. It was definitely 39.
Mulla hollered the number and the weight of the hen to the cashier-cum-owner, who promptly wrote out a bill to the customer with the token number mentioned on it.
I went through the same process, paid for my chicken, collected the bill and moved out to buy some other food-stuff. Most people do the same since it takes some time before the chicken is ready to be cut.
The hen, once tagged is passed at the back of the shop to be killed and cleaned up. After killing the hen and removing its skin, feathers and innards, the body is passed on with the tagged number to the butcher at the front. The butcher calls out the number, cuts up the chicken and hands it over to the customer.
After a while I returned to the chicken shop and awaited my number to be called out. The man who had been in front of me, the one whose number was 39, was waiting too.
After a while Mr 39 approaches the butcher and asks "O Bhai, 39 aaya kya zara dekho na?" ("Please see if No 39 has come or not?")
Butcher asked the person at the back who cleans the chicken: "Aye Paatill, 39 hai kya dekh zara? Zara jaldi mein bhej de" ("Patil, see if 39 number chicken is there? Process it first...") and then back to the customer he says "Aaa jayega" ("wait a while, it will come")
Mr 39 retreated to wait further.

After a while, 39 number had not yet come. So Mr 39 approached the owner of the shop.
Mr 39: "Are bhai, ye mera 39 number chicken abhi tak nahi aaya. Maine do baar poocha. Zara dekhne ko bolo..." ("I asked the butcher 2 times, yet my chicken No. 39 has not yet come to him. Please check")
Owner, in a gruff authoritative voice: "Aye Paatil, Salim, zara dekh 39 number kidhar hai? Dekh zara, jaldi bhej..." (Patil, Salim, see where is No. 39... find it and send it quickly)
Boss is after all boss.
At the owner's command, both the butcher and the cleaner began inspecting the numbers of the chickens which were ready to be cut...
Butcher says: "22... 35... 16... 19... Kya number bola? 19??" ("22... 35... 16... 19... What was the number - 19??)
Customer: "No no... its 39..."
Butcher checks again and then says: "39 nahi 19 hoga" (May be its not 39. its probably 19)
Customer: "Nahi maine to check kiya..." ("No no, I had checked...")
Butcher, without listening to the customer: "Aap ka 19 hi hoga. Woh Mulla paagal hai. Use dikhai nahi deta..." (It must be 19. That Mulla, he doesn't see properly...)
And then to the owner he says: "Oh maalik, ye 39 wale ko 19 de raha hoon..." (disclaimer to the owner: "boss am giving 19 number chicken to no. 39")
I looked at the the owner. He sat there looking ahead with no expression on his face. I knew he had heard it. But his face said "No Comments".

The poor fellow Mr 39... All he managed to blurt was a few "buts" which went unheard and/or unheeded. The butcher cut up the No. 19 chicken and handed it over to Mr. 39. He accepted it meekly and went away. After all, who could blame him? It was obvious that No. 39 chicken was lost or misplaced or given away to someone else. There was no point wasting time in searching for it or getting another chicken which weighed almost the same.

My chicken had not yet arrived at the butcher's table.
After a while, another guy walks in, shows his bill to the butcher and asks "Mera 19 number aaya kya re?" (Please check if my no. 19 chicken has come or not?)
The butcher looks at the owner and says: "Saab, unnis number aa gaya..." ("Boss No. 19 customer has arrived")
The butcher waits for an answer. All he gets is a stern "No Comments" expression from the owner.
The customer sees this silent exchange between boss and butcher and jokingly asks "Kya hua? Mera chicken kahi udd to nahi gaya??" (What happened? Did my chicken fly away or what?)
The cleaning guy at the back calls out: "Are nahi, uska to parr nikal diya tha, udega kaise... chal ke gaya rahe ga" (No no, I had removed its feathers, couldn't have flown... must have walked out instead...)
The men at the back laugh. The butcher tries to hide his smile.
The owner steps in (finally) and says: "Are nahi, aaj zara gardi hai... aa jayega..." (No no, its a bit crowded today... wait a while, it will come...)
Instead of waiting the man walked out.

My chicken came, I got it cut and as I was about to walk out, the butcher called out... "Number 39..."
He says to the owner, "Saab, Number 39..."
The butcher holds up the No. 39 chicken and looks at the owner.
All he gets as an answer is a stern "No Comments" expression...

Humpty Dumpty had a Great Fall...

There was this guy who went to a Mall once. It was early in the morning. Actually it was 9:30 am, but that's pretty early by Mall standards.

So it was quite early and the Mall was pretty much deserted. Our guy had to go to the top floor.
There were two escalators - One Going up and the other going down.

The guy observed that the mall was deserted - "beta, mann mein ek laddoo phoota..."
The guy also observed that there was no one to see and stop him if he climbed up the "down" escalator - "beta, mann mein ek aur laddoo phoota..."

It had always been our guy's wish to try, at least once, to climb up a down-coming escalator the way they show in movies.
Us aadmi ke sirr pe Rajnikant ka bhoot sawaar ho gaya... So the guy stepped up the down-coming escalator.

It is always the case with any new endeavour, that the first step and the last one are always the most difficult.
The first step, the guy misjudged, since the stairs were constantly moving downwards. But he managed to get on without loosing balance. And before the escalator could pull him back down, he started climbing.
In the next 2-3 steps, the guy had caught on to the speed of the downward tread of the escalator and accordingly adjusted the rhythm of his steps to the movement of the stairs.

But, as I said, the last step is difficult too. At the last step, the stairs first emerge flat outwards and then expand to their full height as they move down. Here, it is again most difficult to judge your footing.
The guy stumbled and the next thing he knew, he was down on his hands and knees and traveling downwards with his butts sticking out.

Before anybody saw this debacle, the guy quickly got up and started climbing up again.
Again, at the last step, he misjudged his step. This time, the guy fell flat on his stomach. For nearly half way, he tried unsuccessfully to get up while the stairs dragged his prone body down and down...
From down below, he heard someone shout - "Oh bhai, waha se kaha se chad rahe ho, woh to neeche jaane wala hai...woh doosre se uppar jaana hai..." The Mall's maintenance people had arrived just in time to see our guy travelling down the escalator on his stomach.
This time, with supreme effort, our guy pulled himself up, and turned around to face downwards.
By the time he reached ground level and was off the escalator, our guy had red cheeks and he could not meet anyone's eyes.

On the whole our guy did fulfill his wish to climb up a down-coming escalator - well, ALMOST did... And he came out of it pretty much safe, with just a bit of hurt knee and a bit of hurt ego... :-)

The only thing that worries him now is the fact that Malls have CC-TV cameras installed. What if his little misadventure was captured on some cam and would soon float around as a video clip over the net and emails??

Enlightened...

Busy Day. A Traffic-worn Journey back home.
Reached home tired and bored.
Had my dinner.
Then I sat at my Desktop and connected to the Internet. No new Emails. No friends online to chat to... Just browsed google for a while. Nothing interesting came up except for the 10 suggestions that pop up below the Google search-box.
So I shut down the PC.
Then I sat and read a book... But the book could not hold my attention for long.
So I kept the book aside and switched on my MP3 player; closed my eyes and listened to the music. I jumped from one song to another, but could not find the music to make my spirits soar...
So, with the MP3 player still playing in my ears, I lifted up the book and continued reading. But my mind was still elsewhere.
I was jolted out of my reverie by my Sister - "Earth to Dada, Earth to Dada, come in Dada..."
As I plummeted back to earth and reality, she asked - "What are doing exactly - reading the song, or listening to the book??"
I got the point.
I switched off the MP3 player. Closed the Book. Picked up the Remote control, and switched on the TV.
I sat there in front of the Idiot-Box for 5 full minutes. Within that gigantic time-span, I had managed to browse all 100 channels one after the other.
My Sister again - "OK, stop that now. You know what you really need? You need some peace and quiet. Just sit and relax and try not to think or do anything"...
So I sat on the Sofa, closed my eyes and tried to find some peace and quiet.
For a while there it felt nice. But then the silence became oppressive. Why was I still restless?
And then I understood
They say Lord Buddha sat under the Bodhi tree for days before he received enlightenment. I sat under the Tube-light for 10 minutes, and I was enlightened too. I understood - Peace and Silence can fill the void left by the emptiness of entertainment. But it cannot fill the void of passionless soul...
I knew what I had to do now. I needed to start living - fill my life with some life...
"Get a life, man", whispered my conscience...
So I went out and got a life.
For 5Rs/Kg...
"Just Five Rupees per KG??", you say... Why are you so surprised??
Haven't you heard?
Its kalyug. You see, Life's Cheap now-a-days...

Blues Quotes

There are people who want to live, and they die.
And there are people who want to just fade away into the cold embrace of death; and life clings to them like a dark shadow.

Is it the nature of man that he never wants what he gets from life?
Or is it the nature of life, that it never gives man what he wants?

On getting accidentally kicked by a donkey

Getting kicked can be very painful.
Especially if you get kicked by a Donkey...
And it can be even more painful if you got kicked by a donkey for no good reason other than that you were simply at the wrong place at the wrong time...

This universal truth makes even greater sense if you apply this to the Corporate Scenario of getting laid off...

Rains Rains...

If Rains had a personality, I would describe it using just one word - "Sadistic"

Yesterday, I stepped out of the bus outside SEEPZ's gate number 3, and the rains started. People were waiting under of gate 3's parapet on the inner side. I was already late. And I had my umbrella, so I thought I was protected... Well I was wrong.
By the time I reached office, my jeans had changed colour - from light blue to dark blue. My shirt was full of light and dark patchwork design. And my shoes were full of water. I was wet in the most awkward places - places where the normal everyday rules of water evaporation just did not apply... :( I had to remove my shoes, my socks and even my belt for some time to allow water to escape from such places...

Today, the rains started 5 minutes before I got down the bus. By the time I had reached Gate 3, I was already wet. I had the chance to wait out the heavy rains under Gate 3's parapet. But I thought I was already wet, how much more wet could I get? Well, Rains proved me wrong again.
If wet, wetter and wettest are the 3 degrees of comparison for being wet, then the Rains invented a 4th degree for me today...

As I settle down in office, my friend comes and asks me "What is this I heard about you? Nowadays you are doing Strip-Tease in office?"
I answered him that if removing shoes, socks and belt constituted stripping, then yes, he had heard right...


P.S.: I have written this the way I felt it personally. And I was being my usual, pessimistic, sarcastic self. But, a more level-headed and sane friend of mine sent me the following sobering response to this blog. And when I think this out level-headedly, I agree with him. So I am noting it down here to let is be a part of this blog:
To describe rain as “Sadistic” would be nothing less than cruel. In two words I can say “RESPECT WATER”, because you will realise it’s importance if it no longer exists.

The Monday when the nation stood still

For me, the day started just like any other Monday - with the inevitable Monday Blues...

Just like every other Monday, I got up late, was sluggish in my morning activities and reluctant to step out of the house.

I got the first inkling of trouble, when I read the Newspaper headlines. As my mind cleared of the Monday Morning Daze, I remembered - It was the day of the Country-wide "Bandh" against the Government decision to raise the price of Petrol & Diesel.

The newspapers reported that though Auto-Rickshaw and Taxis will be off the streets, the Local-Trains and BEST-Buses would be running. So there was no reason for me not to go to office. Unlike a few other Private Companies, my Company had not declared a holiday today. As per higher management, whoever could "make it to office" should do so...


I looked outside. No rains as yet.

I checked my stomach, back and head - no aches in any of these places.

I checked if I was feeling a little queasy in the stomach - no chance there too.

And the news-papers had declared that Trains and Buses were running fine.


I had run out of excuses to take a leave... I could certainly "make it to office" :-(


Of course I could make up an imaginary illness ("Boss, I am sorry to inform you that I cannot make it to office today because I have a headache in my stomach"). But on second thoughts, my Monday Blues were just beginning to warm up. And not going to office would be such a waste of perfectly good Monday Blues.


So, against the advice of my family, and throwing the worry about the country-wide bandh to the winds, I decided to go to Office...


To the Office, to the Office, in an empty BEST Bus:
My ride to the office was not at all uneventful. It was full of odd happenings and never-before-seen sights.


The first such odd happening was this: As I stepped out of our society gate, our watchman asked me with obvious ridicule on his face - "No leave today??"... Which only goes to show that, even our watchman knew it was not wise to venture out of the house today. But unfortunately for me, my company's higher management did not...


The next odd thing I noticed was how empty our colony street was. Not a soul in sight... (except for the usual local dogs, cats and other creatures great and small)


The sights that met my eyes as I proceeded towards the Railway station became odder with every step I took away from home...


The streets were deserted. The shops were closed.

The hawkers were replaced with an unusually high number of police men and women.

The Goregaon railway station was almost D E S E R T E D. I emphasize the word because most Mumbai suburban railway stations have some amount of passenger crowds throughout the day - even on weekends and holidays.


I crossed the foot-over bridge and reached the East side.


The bus depot was as devoid of daily crowd as the railway station.


The narrow street outside the Railway station on the East side was deserted too. Which was so unusual because, usually the entire street is congested with daily commuters, rickshaws, buses and slow-moving traffic...


Somehow it was very calm and quiet. No honking. No constant buzzing of so many people talking at once. No cries of hawkers and mechanical whine of automobile engines. It was almost serene...


As I waited for the bus, I noticed at least 2 police vans patrolling the streets at regular intervals.


And this made me a bit apprehensive. I envisioned crazed activists, good-for-nothings and idle-souls-with-no-better-work running amok on the roads - pelting stones at buses, setting vehicles on fire and doing nothing good for the country and the countrymen. But fortunately no such thing happened in my vicinity.


The bus arrived and I got in... On any other day, I usually have to travel standing. Today, I could choose whatever seat I wanted. Almost the entire bus was empty. I took my favourite seat right at the front - from where I had the unhindered view of the entire road ahead.


The roads were deserted too - hardly any vehicles could be seen cruising alongside our bus. I reached SEEPZ from Goregaon in 17 minutes flat! - a record time for me, I assure you!!


Even the streets inside SEEPZ (the special economic zone where our company is located) were devoid of much human presence.
It felt like I was walking through one of the scenes from "I am legend" with deserted metropolitan streets.


Office, office:
There were two things that disappointed me when I reached Office:

1> Not many had turned up for work. I was among the few gullible souls who did manage to "make it to office"...

2> The AC was not working. The guys who managed the cooling systems (that provide cooling to the entire building) had not been able to "make it to (their) office"...

Our office is a huge enclosed space with few windows that don't open more than a few inches. The lack of ventilation was soon taking its toll on us. It was stifling in there and soon most of us were sweating.

At such times, the notepads come in handy!!! As I fanned myself with my notepad, I marveled at how much time had passed since I had last used it (both to write or to use as a fan). In the days of Outlook and MS Word, Notepads are of very little use to Software engineers. And yet it is at times like these, that we truly appreciate the advantages of a Physical Notepad over the digital one ("notepad.exe" :-P )

Anyways, the day progressed as dully as Mondays usually go - which is good for a Monday-Blues-suffering soul like me...

But news soon started to trickle in. It turned out that the people, who did make it to office early, were as lucky as the ones who did not leave their homes at all. Because soon we came to know that there were sporadic bursts of violence in a few areas of the city. Several trains were forcefully halted. Even BEST buses were halted by activists.

As evening approached, we managed to do less and less work and worry more and more. The lack of AC wasn't helping either and each of us had to frequently visit the famous "Smoking Zone" (Fire-escape Staircase) which boasted a small but airy window. The window had a nice breeze blowing in - which was quite a relief to us AC-deprived heat-tormented fellows.

Back to the Pavilion:
It was 6 in the evening when I decided to call it quits. The buses had not yet started. But I managed to get a ride over a friend's bike.

As we cruised along the empty roads into the cloudy dusk, I noticed that a few private vehicles could be seen on the roads. But these handful of vehicles were nothing compared to the bandwagon of honking cars, rickshaws, bikes and buses that daily jam up the Mumbai roads from signal to signal, during peak-hours.

I am not used to seeing the roads so empty and that too in the fading daylight of the not-yet-set evening sun.
As we cruised along JVLR, unhindered by traffic and crowds, I could see the subdued setting sun, sneak-peeking from behind the monsoon clouds, with high-rise buildings in the foreground. Added to this beatific scene, the lack of traffic, noise and crowds was very refreshing. It was a sight to behold. If I could ever make myself think of Mumbai city and its roads as beautiful, then this was that time! My, was it beautiful.

For once, the city looked and felt like a "Human" place - instead of the "Savage" place it usually feels like nowadays.

I reached home earlier than usual. And just as I stepped into the house, it started to rain. And did it rain cats and dogs! Usually I am pissed off at the rains when I get caught up in it. But today I sat at home and enjoyed watching the heavy showers and the flowing water accumulating below.

It was the day of the nation-wide bandh. Not many found the day much endearing, I am sure. It was a Monday too. But as compared to most Mondays I usually face every week, and in spite of the ever-present Monday Blues, this was probably one of the best Mondays I ever had!

2050 - A Tech Story

Here's a little piece of fiction I managed to write:

The year: 2050.
Mankind has come a long way. Human knowledge and Technology has attained heights never before known to mankind. A new age of advancement in Science and Technology is about to dawn.

Mankind has at last succeeded in creating an Artificial Intelligence as advanced and powerful as the Human Brain itself.

This is the story of that A.I.

They named it M.A.N.I.A.C. - Multitasking Auto-cognitive Nano-tech-powered Intelligent Artificially Computer.

Top scientists from CERN, NASA and 13 other international Science Agencies worked on this massive project for 14 long years. The project was an undertaking by governments of 15 countries including US, China, Russia, Japan, India and countries from the European Union. It was funded by 16 multinational Technology Companies including giants like Soverysoft, Pineapple, Miracle, Moon etc.

This new computer was closely modeled after the Human Brain. "This is the first time in Human History that the electronic, nano-tech, bio-medical, chemical and mechanical instruments and devices will be working together in tandem on such a massive scale. I won't be exaggerating if I say that we have actually created an artificial human brain!", said Bill Jobs, CEO of Pineapple Computers.

Steve Gates, the Chief Executive of Soverysoft added that, "The main purpose of MANIAC is twofold - 1> To understand how the Human Brain works. 2> To help us solve complex problems facing the world today. Since MANIAC is like a Human Brain hooked to a Computer, it gets to use the power of both."

The M.A.N.I.A.C. was scheduled to Go live on 1st Jan 2050. But the "Throwing-the-switch" ceremony had to be postponed because of heavy protests and threats from religious as well as the so-called "Terminator" groups.

The fact that a man-made machine will be able to think like the modern intelligent Human-being had a profound impact on various sections of the society.

For the average common man, it was just a curious piece of big news.

For the scientific community it was an exciting event. Scientists believed that with the cognitive power of the Human Brain and the calculating power of the Computer, MANIAC would be able to arrive at concrete, practical and ready solutions to most problems faced by the Human Race. It would be able to gather data, crunch numbers, make decisions and give a viable solution to any problem small or large.

But not everyone welcomed the idea of a machine as intelligent as Humans.
The Religious community had always been against the idea of the project. Most religious leaders were firm in their opinion that the M.A.N.I.A.C. project was like "playing God" and we humans should not endeavour to replicate God's work.

Few groups of ideological thinkers were against the idea of wasting so much money and resources on a single huge project.

And then there were the "Terminator" groups.
Man has always been afraid that his own creations will some day turn against him. And no movie has ever portrayed this fear more effectively than the Terminator movie series. Even after half a century, the movie still has a profound impact on human psyche. It was this fear that spawned the new faction of groups who called themselves The "Terminator" groups.
These groups had been fanatically against the project right from the start.

On the day when MANIAC was scheduled to go live, these groups threatened to stop the project from being launched by any means necessary.

So, for security reasons, the ceremony was called off.

And then the MANIAC project transformed from a purely Science Project to a Techno-Military one.

The entire Project was moved to an underground secret bunker. The MANIAC computer was placed within a huge secure room, inaccessible from outside without proper authentication. To avoid sabotage to the power required for MANIAC, a small separate Nuclear Reactor was set up within the bunker, that would keep providing MANIAC unlimited and uninterrupted power independent of any outside sources. The MANIAC would be communicated to using Satellite relay directly, anywhere from outside.

In this way, MANIAC was totally isolated and then it was ready to "be born".

On 1st March 2050, in a secret ceremony attended by a group of select elites, the MANIAC computer was finally started.

The honorary President of a major super-power, Mr Large Dubya Tush the VIth "threw the switch"...
But, nothing happened...
Then someone noticed that Mr Tush had thrown the switch the wrong way.
The mistake was quickly rectified and Mr President threw the switch again.

And so the first truly intelligent Artificial Intelligence was "brought to life".

For a month, MANIAC worked very well, tackling problems and providing solutions which had as yet eluded the greatest of minds.

But one month later, something unexpected happened.

On 1st April 2050, MANIAC failed to respond to any outside requests.
The tracer terminals, sensors and cameras attached to the computer indicated that all systems were functioning perfectly. So what went wrong?

It was soon discovered that MANIAC had taken over and had become an independent entity.
It had sealed off its own bunker and thus isolated itself.

The worst fears of the Terminator groups had been realised. Everyone waited to see what havoc MANIAC would wrack upon the world.

After isolating itself, MANIAC did the following:
1> It downloaded and installed WinAmp v109.45 for Windows 2050 SE on its mainframe. Then it downloaded latest MP3 songs from various free sites and started playing them.
2> Simultaneously it connected to the online TV channel websites and started playing the current Episode of the superhit Soap "Kyunki Bahu Bhi Kabhi Saas Banegi Season 12"
3> It registered itself on the social-networking sites like chirkut.com and facelook.com, made online friends and started chatting with them.
4> It started surfing the internet for any and all sorts of entertainment sites.
5> It hacked into the server of World Bank, and used Mr President Large Tush's personal credit card information to order Pizzas, Burgers, Beer and Cigarettes to be sent to the entrance of the Bunker. The food just lies there as a Computer has no use for Human Food.

MANIAC continues to have a blast online... It will not respond to any queries. It is too busy enjoying itself.

Mr Large Tush has gone bankrupt.
The group of scientists working on the project has been disbanded.
The MANIAC project has been declared a complete failure.

No one knows why the MANIAC does what it does.

But one philosopher commented on the situation - "I think now I understand how God must feel when He looks down on His greatest creation - us modern Humans" - which pretty well sums up this story.

Software Developer's Superstitions

Working on Microsoft Technologies tends to make one Superstitious.

Things work and we don't know why.
And sometimes they don't work when we know they should.

It is then that we abandon the logic of cause and effect and start believing in luck, chance and praying to the Digital God called Bill Gates...

Temptations, Distractions, Failures and Regrets

What is Temptation? What are Distractions?
They are nothing but just your Childish Mind wanting to have Fun. It knows no Goals. No Responsibilities. No REALITY. It just wants to ESCAPE... It does not realize that however much you try, you cannot escape Life and Reality just as one cannot escape oneself...

Failure and Regrets?
I have seen failure from up close. And I know this about failure... It occurs because of 2 reasons:
1> Bad Luck - you did your best but you were just not destined to reach there...
2> Lack of Efforts - This is a direct result of one's indulgence in temptations and distractions. You simply did not work hard enough. Period.
In both cases, Failure hurts. But in the first case, you get over the hurt and move on. There are no regrets there because you did your best...
But in the second case, you will feel regret and guilt. I have felt this. And believe me, the hurt of failure is nothing compare to the feeling of guilt and regret.

Temptations and Distractions are not bad. They are just as important in life as Goals and Responsibilities. Its just that there is a time and a place for everything in Life. And all things - work, play, eating, sleeping, loving, living, and even peeing and shitting - are most fruitful and best enjoyed when done at their proper times.

How to overcome Temptations and Distractions?
Is it so difficult to overcome temptations and distractions? No... There is no Will Power or any such fancy thing required to overcome temptations and distractions... It is just a Decision. And your willingness to act upon that decision.

Random Thoughts: About Desire

Desire is a very ironic feeling.
It makes you covet that which is most inaccessible to you. But once you get it, you no longer desire it…

And, you know what the worst part of desire is?
Many mistake it for love…

My Preciousss (seat)

Yesterday, I left office late - around 7:30 pm. I reached the bus stand, and there I waited for the Bus...
And I waited... and waited... and waited...
I finally got to board a bus after 45 minutes of waiting...
And then I waited again - inside the bus - as it waded at snail's pace through the muck of Mumbai traffic.
It was during all this waiting that a transformation happened within me...

Usually I am a goody-two-shoes Samaritan who happily offers his seat to the aged or a lady or some weary fellow traveler. I prefer standing. It feels good to stand after an entire day of sedentary inaction.
But today, I was in no mood to stand and wait...
When I spotted a seat being vacated, I moved ahead to occupy it only to be beaten to it by another passenger who was quicker than I am.
I was very annoyed...
So, when another seat was getting vacated in front of me, I did not wait. I poked my foot ahead and blocked the neighbouring passenger who was about to alight on the seat. Then I shamelessly pushed ahead and leaned towards the vacant seat trying to proclaim it for myself.
The neighbouring fellow looked at me with annoyance, then said, "Haan bhai haan, tumhari hi seat hai - le lo..." (Ok mister, its all yours for the taking... go ahead...) and backed off.
I parked my backside over my trophy with smug satisfaction.
On another day and in another situation, I would have frowned upon such shamelessly selfish behaviour where a fellow human-being craves for so small a thing like a seat. But not today... Today I was high on blood-lust - or to be more precise - seat-lust.
I did not even offer my seat to a poor lady who had been standing besides me for nearly 5-10 minutes. Finally another man got up and offered the lady his seat. The lady declined it though and instead let an aged person have it...
After looking at all this, I was jolted out of my seat-lust... At that moment, I saw myself with my mind's eye:
There I was, clutching at my seat... looking at it with wide adoring eyes, and saying "My Precioussss..." - like the creature "Gollum" from the "Lord of the Rings"

Of course that lady got another seat soon.

And, of course I traveled all the way to my destination comfortably sitting on "my precious (seat)".
But why was I not really happy about it?

Why I am going to buy a car (and how Auto-Rickshaws are responsible for my decision)

I have decided. I am going to buy a Car.

Why don't I own a car?
For a long time now, I have been reluctant to go ahead and buy a car. I can very well afford a small one. So money was not an issue. I had other concerns.

Have you seen the movie "Mumbai Meri Jaan"? If you have, then you will remember the character played by Madhavan? I am somewhat like that character. I travel by public transport - sub-urban train, bus, and sometimes, an auto-rickshaw. It is hectic, yes, but one can live with them. We city-dwellers have to live and do the best with what we have got.

My reasons for avoiding owning of a car:
- I support the environmental cause.
- I hate waiting in traffic.
- And I am afraid of accidents.
For a long time now, whenever I travel to office via the roadways, and the bus gets stuck up in traffic, one of the main reasons I see for the congestion is the four-wheelers.
The number of four-wheelers daily commuting the Mumbai roads has increased exponentially in the past few years.
If you notice, a car which can easily accommodate 4 passengers will contain, on an average, only one or two. In an ever-so-fast-expanding city with ever-so-limited space, such extravagant luxury is a criminal waste of road-space.
We cannot easily widen existing roads fast enough, in a city which is already running out of living space. The number of privately owned vehicles keep increasing faster than the speed of upcoming new infrastructure projects.
Moreover the amount of pollution that these vehicles belch out into the adulterated city air and the amount of limited natural resources like petrol and diesel that they eat up daily is another matter altogether.
Go have a walk along the road sometime. You will temporarily go mad or deaf or both with the sound of engines and horns. The private vehicle owner will drive and honk as if his father owns the road.
All these thoughts piss me off. And for all these reasons, I have been against buying a vehicle of my own.

But now I have changed my mind. The reason is something that happened to me yesterday... [I will come back to this soon]

Auto-Rickshaw a blessing? - think again...
In Mumbai, if one says that Train or Bus travel is convenient or comfortable, then that someone is telling the biggest lie of the millennium. The only other comfortable and convenient means of transport left for an average Mumbai common-man is an Auto-Rickshaw.
But now-a-days, this three-wheeler saviour of the travelling Mumbaikar is not so easy to come by.
Sure, one will find so many of these little black three-wheeled "bugs" teeming the streets of Mumbai. But how do you get to travel in one?

Steps to catch a Rick
1> Try to find an empty rickshaw.
- You will realize that you have your work cut out for you. Time was when people used to prefer walking and saving money. And auto-rickshaws were less in number yet always readily available to the needy few. Time has now come, when everyone wants to travel fast; no one wants to walk; everyone seems to be able to afford a rick-ride; and there are so many rickshaws, yet so few empty / available ones.
2> Ok, you manage to spot an empty rickshaw. Now try to stop it.
- The rickshaw-wala (driver) will either nod a negative or simply ignore you, and move on... I remember a time not so long back, when an auto-rickshaw driver was a most eager host always ready to serve. But the new-age rickshaw-wala is a care-free creature with a will of his own. He will not care if he does not have a fare right now. He is sure to get a desirable fare sooner or later. And the worst part about all this is that the auto-richwshaw-wala is right!!!
3> Viola! You have managed to stop the Rick. Now try to get the Rickshaw-wala to agree to give you a ride.
- Times have changed fast. It is not you who decides where the rickshaw will go. It is the rickshaw-driver who will decide where he wishes to go. If your destination happens to be the same as his, then you are lucky. Otherwise, there are other ideal "Fare"s waiting for the rickshaw-wala.

It is true that as a Mumbaikar, I have to put up with many injustices of life. But such denial-of-service by an auto-rickshaw-wala is something difficult for me to swallow.

What happened to me yesterday and how it changed my mind
I usually put up with the crowd in the bus. I also patiently wait in the bus in traffic. And if the crowd and the traffic become too much for me, I simply get down and walk (my old faithful one-two routine never fails me). But my Mom is not as lucky as I am. She suffers from arthritis, plus an injured ligament in one leg. This makes it difficult for her to walk and almost impossible to travel in crowded buses and trains. The only other option left for her is a rick.

Now coming back to what happened to me yesterday...

Yesterday, my Mom was on her way back from Pune. After travelling for nearly 4 hours, her legs were sore and she was in pain.
She got down along the highway in Goregaon (East). I picked her up from there. The highway is 20-25 mins normal walking distance away from the Goregaon railway station. We stay on the other side of the railway tracks (West). So, we had to find a rick for Mom to reach home comfortably. We waited and waited. But not a single Rickshaw-wala agreed to give us a ride.
At last, we decided to start walking. It was difficult for Mom, but we had no choice. The road from the highway to the Goregaon station was jammed with traffic. And an empty rickshaw was nowhere to be seen.
We reached the station, crossed over the bridge to the west side and walked all the way to our home.
On the way, I had a row with a rickshaw-wala who refused to give us a ride even though he did not have a fare. The rickshaw-wala won of course...
It was at that moment that I decided that I will buy a car.
I no longer care for the environment.
The parking problems of Mumbai are no longer my concern.
I am least bothered about the scarcity of fuel, the air and noise pollution caused by cars or the increasing traffic problems.
I am not even afraid of accidents - of getting killed or getting someone else killed...
All I am afraid of now is to be unable to find a convenient transport when me or my loved ones need it.
Thats what I am afraid of most now-a-days...

And hence I have decided to go buy a car...